The Guilty Pleasure of Bad Movies: Transmorphers

TransMORPHERS!

Shitty C.G.I!

TransMORPHERS!

Makes me want to die!

Sweet Christing fuck! Even if this isn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, it’s definitely in the top 10. It’s not just poorly written, which would be bad enough, but it’s poorly made. The computer animation is the cheap, shitty quality you’d find on “SyFy” channel, the sound effects are all messed up, the editing is choppy and confusing, and sometimes the ADR (additional dialogue recording) is missing, so you see people’s lips moving, but nothing’s coming out.

So anyway, the movie starts out with a very brief exposition that humans discovered another planet with intelligent life, sent a message of peace, and five years later evil alien robots sent an invasion force to take over the earth. Flash forward 100 years, and the humans have set up a resistance stronghold to battle the “Zbots.” I don’t know how or when they come up with this name for them, but there it is. The whole human resistance thing borrows strongly from both Terminator and Starship Troopers.

After this, nothing really makes sense. The hero is some guy named Mitch, who was frozen in suspended animation for a 100 year sentence for treason, although it’s never really explained why or what he did. So this is also stealing the basic plot from Demolition Man. Then there’s some bullshit about his old girlfriend hooking up with the general (female) who charged him with treason. I don’t know what they were thinking. I don’t care if they’re lesbians, I really don’t, but it’s such a bullshit way to inject some tension. And it doesn’t say much for his ex, either. Hooking up with the person who sent your boyfriend to prison is pretty low.

Then there’s some kind of plot where they want to capture one of the bots so they can use its power pack to send a signal to the main tower and send a shutdown signal. Apparently, these power packs are multi-functional: they power the bots (obviously), send homing signals, transmit signals and messages, and so on. Probably not such a good idea to put so many eggs in one basket, but what do I know?

Some more incomprehensible crap happens and eventually we get to the final battle. Somehow it gets established that Mitch is a man-made Zbot and is able to gain access to the tower to transmit the shutdown signal, but only after we establish that doing so will mean sacrificing himself. What a fucking hero.

Naturally the tower “transMORPHS” into a giant robot, and the tower, or Tower, leads the main attack against the human stronghold, and at the last second (of course) Mitch shuts down the army, laying down his so-called life and saving the humans. The End. OR IS IT?!?!

There’s a sequel which I haven’t seen yet, but I shudder to think how much worse it must be. This movie is a waste of time, space, and dimension. It’s the kind of crap Asylum would turn out to cash in on the latest blockbuster; a cheap knockoff to trick grandma into buying it for her grandkids because they loved that robot movie that was in the theaters. Check it out if you have about 5 gallons of cheap whiskey. It won’t make watching the movie any easier, but you might go blind.

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